Lot 48: "it's been really hard, honey"

May 7, 2018

"it's been really hard, honey"

this is so hard. all i do is try to churn out good tv, good scripts, good characters, good scenes.  create something that you would want to watch.  something i can sell.  i feel like i am banging my head against a wall day after day after day.  every time i write, i am banging my head against that frickin' wall.  its constant and its infuriating.

i am so new at this.  i am so green.  i am honing my skills and learning so much.  and in class, we write our scripts fast.  really really fast.  what should normally take at least 4 months take 10 weeks.  that doesn't give me a lot of time to get to know my characters, let alone fully flesh out and develop my characters. 

in my lecture class they often bring in seasoned writers to tell their stories of how they made it and give advice.  if i hear one more story of how somebody made it i'm going to scream.  i know the story.  "its all who you know!" "and it was just my luck"  "right place right time" "you work really hard on your material and then just send it to every manager and agency you can."  "apply to as many screenwriting contests as possible!" "be a PA until your fingers bleed!" its all the same.  and it just reminds me of how far away i am from my dream, how much farther i have to go and the work it will take to get there.  i don't mind doing the work, i want to do the work.  but i don't want to hear how you made it as staff writer on a show.  i want to hear how i made it as a staff writer on a show.  i want to make my own story, i don't want to hear yours. 

often i feel like i am treading water, barely avoiding drowning.  i just keep swimming and swimming and there are all these huge waves crashing over me and i'm doing my best and i'm working my hardest so can you cease with the waves please?  that would be great, thanks.

this quarter is so much harder than last because this quarter i am writing my own story.  so every critique feels very personal which i feel i've been handling well.  i knew that would happen going into it.  but i am also really excited about the story that i am telling but at the same time am paralyzed by the fear of not getting it right.  thank goodness for due dates or i would never write anything.

this business is so hard.  i almost wish i didn't love it so much, i almost wish i loved something else.  my life would be so much easier if i did.

but this is the life i chose, this crazy, infuriating life.  in a city where everyone is scratching and clawing to the top just like me and competition is so tough.

one piece of advice i will say to all you out there that have crazy dreams like mine: learn a valuable additional skill.  mine is graphic design.  i am so thankful i am skilled and competent in graphic design.  it gets me better work with better pay.  i don't have to wait tables or work for minimum wage.  i have years of marketing experience and design experience and i am so so frickin' thankful for that.  i have lamented before that i wish i had moved to la sooner, rather than 6 later.  but now i see those 6 years were important.  it gave me experience for jobs that i get here that pay well.  so i am able to live a full life and not be so poor.  i'm still really poor but it could be so much worse.

yo ho yo ho a writer's life for me.

also, its my parents 35 wedding anniversary today.  couldn't go without saying how much i look up to their marriage and am grateful to have parents who are still crazy about each other this many years later.

1 comment:

  1. Those of us who just sit and watch tv have no idea how much work goes into creating the show

    ReplyDelete

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