Lot 48: a new year

January 8, 2018

a new year


i've been trying to write this post for a few days now.  truth is, this year is here and i am more terrified than excited.

as i enter this quarter of my writing for television program at UCLA, i am filled with terror. An almost paralyzing fear of failure. this is the quarter that i write a pilot. that I create a show. last quarter i wrote a spec, a script of an existing show. i have done that many times but have never managed to write a pilot. it is much scarier to me to create a show from scratch rather than to echo another writer's voice and story and format.

as today has creeped closer, i have gotten more anxious, more scared and more of a mess. but then i am reminded of this quote and i try to be fearless.


what if i approached this semester as if i could not fail? because technically, i really can't because the course if pass/fail and the requirements for passing are turning in a pilot and we all know i will do that, so the measurement of failure for me is much more that.

my fear of failure is writing something that isn't brilliant.  something that is amateur.  something that i can't walk out of school and get an agent with.  something that i could win an emmy with.  that always is how i set the bar "is this emmy level material?" and that just leads to me yelling at myself "emmy winners don't take naps when they should be writing!" 

but i don't have to be that good yet.  jeez, i'm only just starting.  i'm a baby writer.  i tiny little one you can put in your pocket.  i'm a baby plant that needs attention and sunlight and even needs to be sung to in order to grow.  when last quarter started, i felt i had a grasp on things because i had written specs before.  i wasn't as terrified as i am now.  this is all new territory and this baby plant needs more attention before.  i need to give myself more attention and love than before.  

i need to be kind to myself.  to remind myself that amy sherman-palladino didn't become amy sherman-palladino in one day and neither did shonda rhimes or tracey wigfield or tina fey.  they were all baby plants just like me at one point.  

additionally, i'm scared of how i'm going to do a full time job and school because i also haven't done that before.  we all know i have been shamefully and angrily unemployed the last 3 months and have yet to do my writing program at night with a full time job.  i am anxious (and not the good kind of anxious!) to see how it works out.  i've seen my fellow peers drowning in the balance and others handle it okay.  we will see which one i'll be! 

this quarter i am going to do my best to love myself, be kind to myself, accept my best for what it is, and love how far i've come.  

i also can't wait to show you what word i picked for this year! working with a designer now on the print! 

and to leave with you this... 

you said it deej! we can do this!! 

BRING IT ON 2018! i dare you to bring me down! this year is going to kill! 


2 comments:

  1. You're going to do amazing because it's in your blood. You're talented and have the passion to rock it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can dooooo it! I shall call you Baby Groot (that's the image that came to my mind), then someday you'll be a full grown Groot!.

    ReplyDelete

Hearing from you makes my day!!