hi guys. if you saw my instagram you know that i spent the entire weekend relaxing and detoxing from NYC. it was so needed. we were still so incredibly exhausted from the trip. we were so tired we even missed the beloved festival of trees which we never miss and we got to every year!! that should tell you how tired we are.
i have my performance at the dickens festival coming up on friday. i am soooo stressed. i started listening to Christmas music at halloween and finalized my set weeks ago. but i should have started memorizing my set weeks ago. i was so busy with new york and planning for new york my performance was on back burner and it shouldn't have been. i should have been planning and memorizing much, much earlier. but instead, i started memorizing the songs once i got back from new york. just 10 days before my show.
when i got back from new york i immediately started memorizing my songs and it quickly became clear to me that i should have started practicing much sooner. but i caught up and now feel like i have a handle on it and will be ready.
i haven't performed in a really long time. sang, i mean. last year i did my halloween show. but there was no singing. last night, i had my first voice lesson in 8 years. and i felt like an idiot. i spent my entire young adult and early adult life performing. and i always thought i was pretty good. so i felt so stupid when i realized that i was doing it alllll wrong and that even though i was trying to use the techniques i had known forever, it had still been 8 years and i was sooo rusty.
it also made me painfully aware that i am not special. i'm not a particularly amazing singer or a particularly incredible person. i'm just normal. i'm sure everyone goes through that phase where they think they are special at something and then realize they aren't. but that's something i hate at performing. comparing yourself to someone else is like breathing. how can you not? but when you do, its really depressing.
and Christmas songs!! if i hear one more oh holy night or santa baby or all i want for Christmas is you or i'll be home for Christmas i will smash something against a wall. isn't everyone tired of these songs?? can we please just only listen and make new songs please? thats why my set doesn't have a single overdone song. a lot of the songs on it you haven't heard of!! and its wonderful!! i'm getting excited for this normal person that i am to get on that stage and SING!! because when i sing it feel like warm fuzzy hot lava is in my tummy and i feel like i have come home. singing on a stage is when i am most comfortable. so how cares if i am not special and have a slow vibrato and have been instructed to not vibrato at all even though i argued "beyonce has a slow vibrato and she uses it in pop songs" and got the response "that's because she's beyonce. she's amazing" and i am not. but i am! but NOT like her that is for d** sure.
so i'm not special!! so what!! i'm choosing to not let this bother me. oh freaking well. everyone either is special or no one is. or a few people are. i think that the deal with humanity is a some people are really, really, really good at doing certain things and sometimes they get famous for it.
i blame my dad for my belief that i was special. all that time in our basement jamming together while i sang and he played the guitar and him praising me endlessly and grabbing my shoulder and grinning after a money note or a song i did really well.
i might not be special, but i am a damn good singer.