Lot 48: grief

November 1, 2016

grief

^^this is a picture of my grandma at my wedding when she saw me for the first time that day.  she is crying because of how beautiful i looked.  her words.^^

grief is really weird.  i am re-discovering that as i mourn the loss of my grandmother.  she has been gone over 10 days and each day it gets a little easier, at least i think it is.  maybe.

when my grandpa died a year and a half ago, it was a lot harder.  i felt like i was suffocating under the grief.  i think this is easier than before because i knew it was coming, it wasn't  sudden, and i know i have grown a lot in those near 18 months.  

my grandma passed on a thursday, so that first weekend was really rough.  on friday night was excited for the weekend and found myself snapchatting all my weekend plans, but a moment later i felt really guilty.  i had just lost my grandma.  i should be having fun.  i should be mourning.  and it turns out that is what i  did that weekend. i didn't have work to distract me so i was swinging from being okay to sobbing uncontrollably.  and that is still happening.  i wake up in the morning and i remember that i'm in a world that my grandma isn't in.  she's gone.  and then i feel really sad and i almost break into tears, but if i'm at work i don't.  i just ignore it and keep going. or i wake up in the morning and think "why am i sad?' and it isn't until later that i realize why.

i also feel really guilty for a lot of reasons.  i feel like i don't have a right to mourn her, a right to struggle with her death, a right to be sad.  we all lose grandmas.  she was a GREAT grandma but we weren't best friends.  she was my friend but it isn't like i just lost my mother or my husband.  i feel like my mom is the person who should be grieving and i should be fine.  and then i get frustrated that i'm sad because i feel like i have business being sad.  and i think a lot of that comes from me not visiting her more.  not stopping by more, not calling her more, not asking what she needed, not asking how i could help.  she was just 20 minutes away and i feel like i should have done more.  the sunday before she died and the sunday before that, i kept thinking to myself that i should go visit her, but then i got distracted.  these past several months she really didn't like visitors because she was so unwell, but i wanted to stop by just for a minute anyway.  in a lot of ways, i feel like the worst granddaughter in the world.  i should have done more.

and what about my mom?  how can i help her?  how can i comfort her?  she lost her mom.  i don't want my mom to feel pain.  i wish i could take that away from her.  but i know that my mom feels peace, which i am so thankful for.  but i can't imagine losing my mom, and i can't imagine how my mom must feel.  

and random memories keep flashing across my mind.   its like each day i remember something new about my grandma or some new sweet moment we had.  i'm so thankful to my mom for making sure that i knew my grandparents.  we lived in utah, they lived in michigain, she could have made a million excuses to not maintain a relationship between her daughters and her parents.  i am oh so very glad she did.  i am a better woman for knowing my grandparents.  i'll just ride this ebb and flow until the thought of my grandma doesn't produce a pang in my chest.  that's what i assume happens and i'll just ride it instead of fight it.  i think that's best.

sadly, a lot of my friends have had losses recently as well.  my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you and i thank everyone who has shown kindness, love, prayers and support for my family and i.

ps. have you seen this?  its brilliant.  take a few minutes and watch it even though i feel like this film bridges the gap between halloween and Christmas and should be watched with a pumpkin and a Christmas tree next to you.  (i mean, don't you notice how at disneyland the haunted mansion is the first thing to be decorated for Christmas because it is decorated as the nightmare before Christmas?) BUT halloween is now behind us and we can start getting ready for CHRISTMAS!!

3 comments:

  1. Grief sucks and I feel like some forms of grief are handled better by others or seen as more "acceptable." It's super messy. I'm glad that you have received love, prayer, and support. It's so important when you're grieving.

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  2. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Grief is SO hard and weird too--it's crazy. There's NO wrong way to feel or NO right way...whatever you're feeling is okay and doesn't need explained. It changes, so just let it all out however you need to. I'm here for you!

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  3. I have lost both grandfathers and one grandmother but I was not close to my dad's parents, but was so close to my mum's parents, which is why I still go and see my nan each week even though she doesn't know who we are most of the time but I know how close we were and that's enough. It has been 6 years since my pop died, 6 years on Friday and many didn't think nan would still be around so long after he passed. Grief is hard, it does get easier if we don't dwell on it but not dwelling on it can be just as difficult at times

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