this post is hard for me to write, but i process things best by writing.
my grandma passed away yesterday. i'm sad but also at peace. she had been really struggling for a while and i'm glad she is at peace and with my grandpa again.
my mom called me as i drove to work yesterday and told me the news. its funny how grief works. it takes a second for it to sink in, and then odd things happen. when i walked into my office building, i was on the phone with taran telling him what happened. a big meeting had just gotten out from the lobby auditorium and it was loud and i got really annoyed. then when i got to my door that takes me to my floor, there were people blocking the way and even after they swiped their badge still didn't open the door. i said excuse me and they let me through and proceed to get into an elevator that was going down, not up. by this point i was really, really angry. people were talking loudly. i felt like screaming and crying at the same time.
and then i did the oddest thing. i left work and the only thing i could think to do was to go to starbucks.
i don't drink coffee. i've never had a sip of coffee in my life. the only time i go to starbucks is... well. literally never. if i'm at the airport maybe and want a scone? but i associate the smell of coffee with my grandma and i desperately wanted to feel her near. my mom is from detroit and my grandparents moved here only a few years ago. growing up, they would come for Christmas and stay until march to get out of the michigain cold because i'm front the desert. for the first few weeks they would stay with us and then the rest of the time they would rent a condo. but those mornings when they were with us, i would come to the kitchen for breakfast before school and my grandma would be in her pink robe and slippers, brewing coffee. we had this mug that she used everytime, a big red one with a white heart on it. and i would come to the kitchen and see that folger's bag and it was one of the most comforting feelings in the world. to this day, each time i smell of coffee i think of her.
so i just sat there, in starbucks, smelling that coffee smell and not wanting to leave. i even ordered a coffee just so i could smell it. never done that before! i was very proud of myself that i didn't make a fool out of myself because i've watched enough tv to know that it isn't "large" or "small" but its "tall." so i just said "tall coffee please, black." i don't think i needed to say black. don't you put the sugar or creme or whatever in yourself? and then i went to open the top to smell it and it tipped over and spilled everywhere. how am i supposed to smell it now?
grief is weird. i keep thinking of these little octagon shaped crackers we would make together with this really great seasoning and we would eat them so fast we had to make several batches. and our inside joke that chocolate was our medicine so we would ask each other if we had our medicine that day and then go to the pantry and get hershey kisses. and i remember so vividly laying on her chest while she held me tight when i was little and smelling that coffee and perfume smell.
when i was little, she gave my sisters and i these angel pins that we would pin on our pajamas to keep the nightmares away and she said those pins were our guardian angels. each pin has our birth stones on it. i remember having a lot of night terrors but after that, once i pinned that angel to my pajamas, i didn't have them so much. my grandma was a big believer in guardian angels. she was an amazing woman
i am so blessed to believe in the plan of salvation and that i will see her again and she is going to be my grandma forever. i miss her so much already. and i hate myself for not going to visit her on sunday like i kept thinking i should. i kept thinking it but then got distracted and now she's gone.
i don't need that angel pin anymore. i have the real thing now. i'm so lucky that i knew her, that she is my grandma and will forever be watching over me.