Lot 48: the squeaky wheel gets the oil

May 9, 2016

the squeaky wheel gets the oil

this post is nerve-wracking.  i will either get a whole bunch of haters commenting or a whole bunch of people agreeing with me saying "THANK YOU, yes! exactly!" or it could be a mixed bag.

i've been wanting to talk about this issue for a long time now.  and i am tired of being silent. 

i try really hard to make my blog neutral and to not talk about hot topics or anything, and to keep the blog fun.  but i have to speak up about this. 

read the two quotes above.  i grabbed these quotes from the november issue of cosmopolitan: 50 fun, fearless woman article.  as i think about those quotes, i realize these women are saying these things to gay, transgender, bisexual people.  they want those people to be able to have control over their bodies and have their voices be heard.  moj and laverne aren't speaking to me, a straight, female born and identified woman, who doesn't believe in things they believe in.  they probably wouldn't want me to have a voice for what i believe in, would they?  i'm only allowed to share my opinions if they are they same as everyone else's, right? isn't that the unspoken rule? "sshhhhh, don't talk unless you agree with me."

there is an underlying issue when it comes to marriage equality and LGBT rights.  people in those groups who fight for those rights yell loud and proud "i deserve to be heard! i deserve to have rights! i should be able to marry my wife!" 

and they should be heard.  they should have rights.  we are all human.  everyone needs to be treated with respect.  i am glad that same-sex couples are recognized in a way that they can get information when one is in the hospital, that they can adopt children, that they can get equal opportunity jobs the same as straight or non transgender people can.  they deserve all that.  i am happy about all of that. 

LGBT groups demand tolerance, in the least.  (i know 'tolerance' can be an offensive word because gays and lesbians don't want people to be 'tolerant' of them because that implies there is something intrusive that they are doing, and they don't feel they are living their lives in an intrusive way.  their life is just a life, nothing to be tolerant of.  so i apologize if me using 'tolerant' offends anyone) they demand to be heard.  but what about us? those who are not in LGBT groups?
 here is my issue, what i am afraid to say. 

tolerance needs to go both ways.  but it doesn't.

i don't believe in gay marriage.  and i feel like if i say that, i will be stoned or ostracized or my car will be keyed or vandalized.  seeing two women kiss or two men kiss makes me uncomfortable, simply because i don't understand it.  i think couples should be able to kiss and hold hands in public.  i have nothing against that.  it just makes me uncomfortable.  but i feel that if i am uncomfortable, that makes me a bad person.  i'm a hater.  i'm too conservative.  "it's 2016, what is wrong with you.  get on board."  why do i have to get on board? why do i have to agree? i have a right to not believe the same things as you and not be scared.  just like you have the right to believe what you want to believe and not be scared of what people might think or do to you.  

i'm not asking gay people to change who they are, so why are you asking me to change who i am? 

i believe marriage should be between a man and a woman only, and that same-sex couples should have civil partnerships.  like i said, they should be able to know what is going on if one goes into an emergency room, they should be able to adopt children and be on each other's insurance. maybe i'm ignorant that they can do all that with civil partnership.  but i am religious.  God created marriage for man and woman.  it is going to be difficult for taran and i to raise children in this day and age where we teach our children such things but they see different things around them.

i was watching the fosters (because i got to go on the set and then i got addicted to the show!) and if you don't know the show, real quick, it is about a lesbian couple and their biological, foster and adopted children. why i'm bringing up the show is this one scene:  stef, part of the couple was angry at her father who was religious and had a hard time with her 'lifestyle choices.' when he used 'lifestyle choices' as a phrase to describe her life, she got very angry because it wasn't a lifestyle for her, it was just a life.  and her father didn't come to her wedding because her father didn't believe in gay marriage.  so her father gave her a car as he was trying to have a relationship with her and be nice by giving her a new car as her's broke down. stef was so angry with him because of his beliefs and views, she didn't accept the car. 

then her partner, lena, said something perfect and incredible.  ''tolerance goes both ways stef. he's trying.'  lena was smart enough to get it.  stef's father was trying to be tolerant  and be included in her life, but stef was so angry that he wasn't all in and had a problem with her life at all, she wrote him off.  but as lena smartly reminded her, tolerance goes both ways.  stef's father was trying, so stef needed to try too.  

i'm not a hater.  i don't cringe in disgust if i see a same-sex couple.  all people need to treated with kindness and respect.  and that includes me.  i need to be treated with respect, even though i don't have the same opinions as you and have different values.  i'm not a bad person.   i'm tolerant of you, so i feel you should be tolerant of me.  i am glad our society have come so far with with same-sex marriage and accepting gay 'lifestyles'.  i am glad that people feel comfortable in coming out and being themselves.  because there is nothing sadder or worse than not being able to be yourself.  i am glad things are different for gays and lesbians now than they were many years ago. i am glad they don't have to feel ashamed or struggle as much as they used to.  but this revolution is so loud, so strong, i feel it hates on those who believe differently. and i am in no way comparing persecution.  i am glad jenn shared her thoughts in the comments below, because she is right, i have no idea the hate gays have to face just for being who they are.  that isn't right. 

despite that and knowing that, i still would like to share an example of someone not being treated with respect because she has good conservative beliefs:

i came across this in april's cosmopolitan.  and it made me very angry. 

 #1 they put eyes on the bible, making it look like an emoji.  that is completely inappropriate and offensive.  #2 modesty is important to me.  it was taught to me at a young age and i believe it is a staple of righteous living. "show what God gave you girl?" NO. that's her choice.  and it's a "FAIL" because,  it isn't part of this sexual revolution era that we live in?  is that the reason?  

i feel as though we are pressured heavily to be involved in this era, this love revolution.  and if we don't, we are shown in cosmo as a "fail."  that doesn't seem right to me.  

if you do agree with me, tweet, facebook, pin, to spread the word.  i think this side of the issue isn't talked about or really thought about.

be kind to others and love one another. 

just like ellen says. 


  1. Interesting post, I'd never thought of it that way. I always viewed those that are opposed to marriage equality as just homophobic and prejudiced. But I suppose it's so much more than that - though I know plenty of homophobic and prejudiced people. As far as the couple rights, I think it depends on the state. In some states you must be legally married to have the ER rights, etc. For insurance, I think everywhere you must be married.

  2. I am so glad you wrote this post. Because it's absolutely true. We ALL need to be respectful of each other. One of my biggest sources of frustration is when people assume that disagreeing with something is the same as hating it. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

  3. Being respectful and mindful of others is most important, you are right there!

  4. Well I am with you pretty much, I have no problem with gay people but like many people I find two people of the same sex kissing uncomfortable I don't care what they do in the privacy of their own home, and even though I feel marriage is between a man and women I have no problem with them marrying if that is what they want.

  5. I feel like what you're saying is people should be tolerant of your intolerance. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, and I'm also not sure who you think is trying to silence your voice. You're speaking the opinion of what was, until very recently, the majority, so it's not exactly an unheard one and I strongly disagree with you but I'm not going to tell you not to talk. You can be uncomfortable seeing gay couples express affection all you want in the privacy of your own mind and no one will judge you - it's when you start trying to control other people's lives and dictate what their choices should be, even though they have literally no impact on you or your lifestyle, that it becomes an issue. And yes, posting this will make people judge you, the same way you judge the LGBT community, but until those people do something to actively try to change your actions, by force or by law, that's our right just as much as its your right to judge whomever you disagree with.

    I also think you're underestimating the amount of hate and fear that gay couples experience. You're worried about what? Maybe a few mean comments or maybe someone disagreeing with you. They're worried about being beaten, rejected by their families, missing out on opportunities. My husband and roommate were out jogging a while ago. Not even a gay couple and someone driving by rolled down the window and yelled, "Fags!" In a suburban neighborhood. Now multiply that by 100 and you (or I) might get an idea what it's like to actually live as a gay man or woman.

    So anyway, believe what you want to believe, and I'm certainly not going to try to stop you or prevent you from blogging or institute laws that stop you from doing the thing I don't like. That's tolerance. Trying to tell you you can only marry a woman would be intolerance and roughly the equivalent of what you believe should be the legal situation for LGBT couples. I don't think tolerance is looking the other way. I think tolerance is not trying to control the actions of others.

  6. Thank you for sharing your opinions. I think it's important to have these types of discussions, even though I strongly disagree with yours. In keeping with open-lines of communication, I just wanted to let you know that I wrote a rebuttal to this post on my blog today. I'm Catholic as well, and a supporter of marriage equality and the LGBT community in general. I/They aren't asking you to change who you are at all, and I feel like you contradict yourself many times throughout this post; you preach tolerance, but you don't want people who are gay to be able to get married. I also don't see how anyone is disrespecting you or your values just by disagreeing with you. But tolerance goes both ways, as you said, and you are certainly entitled to your opinions.

  7. I read your post (or many other similar statements) without drawing from my own personal experiences. Some of those experiences include being raised in the Bible Belt in an religious Protestant family. Other experiences of mine include people that I love that are gay. I am admittedly biased.

    My mother's side of the family, the extended family, have always been prominent figures in my life. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. One of my aunts (my mother's sister) is gay. No, my aunt was not ostracized from the family. She was there...at every Christmas, birthday, Easter. She sat in the church pew. She believes in God and Jesus. She also believes that she was CREATED the way that she is. But, she was never allowed to fully be herself either. That wasn't accepted. Her partner was called her "roommate" or "friend". They never, ever showed any signs of affection towards one another around the family, because my aunt was told that would strictly not be tolerated. In her late teens, early 20s, when she "came out" to her parents, her mother (my grandmother) took her to the family pediatrician (yes, you read that correctly because he was also a family friend who went to the same church)...asked the pediatrician "what was wrong with her?" and demanded he "fix it".

    You would assume that my aunt doesn't have tolerance for those that disagree with her life. That is the furthest thing from the truth. She tolerated and respected her parents wishes. She went to a psychiatrist to appease her parents in order to see if she was "fixable". She went to their clergy to attempt to "pray the gay away." She did this for her parents. She never introduced her loving partner of decades as a girlfriend or partner. Again, she was just a friend. She tolerated and respected members of my family telling her to her face that she wasn't born this way. She was choosing a sinful path. Others to her face told her that yes, maybe she was born this way...just as child molesters are born with the proclivity to be aroused by children...but that she must fight those sinful urges. No. I'm not even kidding in the least. Those things have been said to her by family members. She has been compared to child molesters. Those are things that have been said to her face. You can only imagine what gets said behind her back. Family members that she continues to love and TOLERATE. Follow by "their" rules in order to make them "comfortable". My aunt, on the other hand, suffers. She feels inferior. She feels that their love is conditional...on condition that she acts a certain way and hides certain things about herself. She has been convinced that something is "wrong" with her, but that something just can't be "cured". This is SO unfair. And, I know my aunt is just one person in the billions of people that live in this world...but I don't need anyone assuming that my aunt, being a gay woman, is intolerant to opposing viewpoints. On the contrary. She has tolerated and tolerated and tolerated. And, I am certain she is not the only one. I am certain there are many that have shared similar experiences.

    1. Your final statement of "be kind to others and love one another"...that is something that I can fully support. And, I hope that you do not feel that I am being unkind to you by sharing my personal thoughts. I wanted to add to the conversation of a view from a family member of a homosexual and both the tolerance and intolerance that I've witnessed.


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