Lot 48: what's holding me back?

May 18, 2015

what's holding me back?

what is holding me back? it is such a coincidence that belinda has this as a prompt for blog everyday in may because i have been thinking about this a lot lately.  

as i will be 25 next week(!!!!) i have been thinking about how my life has turned out and what 16 year old lauren would think.  i don't think she would be entirely happy with how things turned out.  i think she would be dang happy with the husband she chose and the cozy and comfortable life she lives.  but there are things that are missing.  things that i love to do that i am not doing.  

there are two things i love to do, that i have a deep passion for: to protect others and to perform.  so different right?  a few years ago, i was serious about becoming a cop.  but i have health issues that would prevent me from doing that.  i started training for the fitness exam and looking into it and i had a friend of a friend that was in the academy and spoke to her for guidance and to figure out exactly how the process works.  but, the health issues, you know.  

then i applied to the CIA and of course nothing happened with that because was just a pipe dream.  when you apply, you aren't allowed to tell a soul that you apply, but since i got rejected, it's fine to  tell you.  in order to be an agent, you have to have combat experience in the military.  and being fluent in another language definitely helps.  i have none of that.  i didn't expect to get right to that, so i applied for web designing and communications positions, things that i could actually do and am good at.  that's where i figured i'd start. 

my other idea was the FBI, but, again, i am not fluent in another language, my major wasn't another language or criminal studies or whatever, so i didn't bother.  my cousin is an FBI agent and i am GREEN with envy.  

and now we have the performing passion.  i've talked about my performing background before.  i performed professionally until my sophomore year of college.  i was good.  but now i suck.  i want to do voice lessons again and get back to where i once was.  i want to do shows again.  desperately. 

and then we have the winner, the big one.  the one i am terrified to do. screenwriting.  when i lived in LA  and passed my modern family spec around, it was received well.  i was told i had talent.  that was a relief.  when i started screenwriting, i really had no idea what i was doing.  all i knew was what i had self taught. what i had observed, what i had learned from not watching tv but scrutinizing the writing bit by bit, beat by beat, line by line.  so when i finally got feedback and i knew i was on the right track, that was a huge relief.  

but that was 4 years ago.  the way it usually works is, in order to get a job on a writing staff of a show, you have to have an original pilot.  an original piece that you have written.  some showrunners and head writers (they are the boss of the show, the person who decides everything, hires, fires, decides on costumes, scripts, props, everything from a to z) accept plays, screenplays, but usually pilots.  i have tried twice to write a pilot.  the problem is, what show do i want to create??? ahh!! a show about a small town girl sheltered from her small town life living in LA and not knowing anything about anything or a show about professional video game players? (like i know ANYTHING about that).  what show do i want to create?? i have no idea! can't i just keep writing specs! donald glover got his job writing for 30 rock by his spec scripts! "but lauren, writing pilots shows you know characters.  creating characters from scratch shows you know how to write them. writers need to know their writers can do that." said a producer to yours truly once.  grrrr. 

and now, i'm in the middle of writing a screenplay (a screenplay! for a movie! not tv! who am i?!?! i don't write movies! i write for tv!!) because i have a topic that i am passionate about that i need to get on paper that i need to show! the! world! to! raise! awareness! 

but look at the quote above! there is no reason to be scared. i am the one who is holding myself back.  don't write the screenplay for others.  write it for me.  because i need to get this experience on paper.  i need this screennplay to be written.  i need this screenplay to be out there, and hopefully be made somebody so i can break stereotypes and show people exactly what said thing means. 

yes joanne!! you are right!! i am the one holding myself back!! MAGIC!! it is in me!! write the screenplay! i don't believe in writer's block, remember? i am sure i can come up with an original show idea.  because joanne says that power we need is inside ourselves.  so there we go! tada! i'm hereeeee!!!!!!!! 

screenplay here i come! singing lessons here i come!! auditions for shows here i come!! 

[in oprah voice] introducing lauren paaaaackerrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Found Love. Now What?


  1. Yeah I think many people think about doing such things, be in truth they don't and life marches on and one day we are looking in a mirror and thinking have I done all I could have done with my life, if the answer is yes then we are happy if the answer is no then maybe not so much

  2. We are our own worst critics, go write that screenplay girl! DREAM BIG, XO!

  3. I love that you have such big, amazing dreams. Go for it! Go for all of it! Maybe you can write an original pilot about a CIA agent that has a passion for performing in community theater on the side. Or something. I don't know. I'm no good at this stuff! I write novels.


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