Lot 48: i am beautiful

February 5, 2015

i am beautiful

** i wrote a post yesterday afternoon that you might have missed. i have been so busy with the victoria's secret giveaway and this linkup that i haven't been writing about what is most important this week: my one year anniversary approaching.  the post is about what i was doing exactly one year ago, 4 days before my wedding.  hint: i was freaking out.

and now!!

today is the day!! the first official day of the "you are beautiful" linkup with emelia!! i can't tell you how excited i am for this linkup!

 a reminder:
you can write about whatever you want! whether you are struggling with self image, weight loss, going through a hard time, need to feel that you are not alone in whatever you are going through, this is the place for you.  my hope with this linkup is to create an uplifting atmosphere, a community where we can share pain and love and support each other. so i'll start.
Lot 48

i greatly struggle with my self image.  i am in no way making excuses, but due to my disability leave last year because of my health problems, i couldn't work out. also, my medication i was taking caused weight gain.  despite my efforts to eat healthy and skip the fries with the burger and eat a salad instead and not eat ice cream or things that had gotten me fat in the past, i still gained weight.  a lot of weight.  i was completely shocked at how much i had gained.

i am back on weight watchers and have been on it for 3 weeks and at the beginning i worked out 4 days a week but last week i worked out 6 i missed monday this week so this week it will be five.  i am using the plus points, which i never used before, and now i am terrified i won't lose weight as fast as i did before.  i am so scared to look at the scale.  i am terrified.  i just keep eating right and refraining from using the plus points even though i am sooo hungry.  i have loved the chat support weight watchers now has and i have learned to not waste my points on carbs.

but i don't feel any different and i don't think i look any different, which really really bothers me and which really scares me.  but here is the thing. this is the thing that we should all remember: who gives a (swear word! swear word! i'm mormon i don't swear!) what you look like.  who cares what you weigh.  honestly and truly, why. does. it. matter?? answer: IT DOESN'T.  i challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror every single morning and say "i love you.  you are beautiful.  you are worthwhile."  if you are really struggling with self esteem, write down 3 things you love about yourself each day.  i have done this before in times when i hate myself and it really really helps.  i challenge you to do this.

i base what i weigh on my worth.  in my mind, if i consider myself fat, i consider myself disgusting, worthless, and useless.  i get a lot of very scary thoughts in my head. thoughts that have no business being there.  i have an absolutely gorgeous family and when i feel fat or when i have gained weight, i am ashamed to be with them.  i assume they are thinking "there goes the fat sister. she is such an embarrassment to us."  that isn't what they think, they love me, they don't care what i weigh.  but that is what i think.

my husband tells me multiple times a day how beautiful i am, and each time i say "liar" or "yeah, right."  and as i thought about it, that must really hurt him.  he if went around saying "i'm so fat.  i'm so gross. i hate myself." that would really hurt me.  i know it hurts him to see someone he loves and thinks is beautiful, to not see it and to brush off his compliments.  if i told him he was sexy and handsome as i often do and he responded with "no i'm not. i'm gross. i don't believe you" (which is always my response) that would hurt me because i think he is the most handsome, hot and sexiest man alive.

talk to yourself as you would a friend. be kind to yourself. love yourself.  and read the stories below to know that you are not alone.

the next linkup will be february 19.  see you then!!

and now me and some lovely ladies have joined together to give you aa $150 Victoria's Secret gift card to one lucky reader!! Giveaway will last from Feb 4 - Feb 11! go buy something sexy for your partner or just some yummy smelling beauty products.  otherwise, we all need a good bra and we know vickey's has the BEST bras. for real. and when you walk into that victoria's secret store, don't you compare yourself for ONE SECOND to those models.  those models are athletes.  if you were paid to look like that, you would.  i love this post by helene who says that the models don't bother her because that is their life.  they are paid to look like that. i watched the cosmo fitness director go to a class with a vickey's model and it was insane.  the model said she ate like, nothing, and had to exercise for at least 4 hours a day and go to all these sculpting classes and she had a trainer and all she did was workout.  they are athletes.  we are people who aren't because we have a different job.  it's okay!!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

6 comments:

  1. I love this post! I want to join in next time. Yes, you are v beautiful 😃

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love this post! And that button is adorable! I will have to link up next time :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are gorgeous girl! So true that we should STOP being so hard on ourselves! I used to do the same thing when my husband complimented me I would brush it off or say something negative about myself (why do we do that??) and one time he stopped me and said "I don't like it when you do that, stop rejecting my compliments and stop being so mean to yourself." Or sometimes I will just say "I'm fat" and he will just give me a "look" because he knows I know better!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great post and I love the idea behind this link up! I think the part that resonates with me is your last point - self shaming in front of our husbands. I do it too, but never thought about how that makes him feel!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You ARE beautiful and you are SO worthwhile! It makes me sad that you don't always know that.

    ReplyDelete

Hearing from you makes my day!!