lately i have been feeling a little insane. with all the changes that have been happening, "overwhelmed" "crazy" "stressed" and "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" are definitely words to describe myself the past few weeks. I have put a lot of pressure on myself, too much pressure, i think.
our apartment is a mess. there are frames that have no pictures in them, things that need to be framed, things to be hung up, we need to sell my twin bed i had been sleeping in until now, we need to buy an actual couch, we need to get SILVERWARE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD because we have been using plastic ones. at least we have two plates! we need to finish writing thank you cards. we have written a lot but still have a lot more to do. we need to cook. we need to cook so much that we don't have to eat out. or be in a situation where i don't have anything to eat for dinner and i don't want to spend money so i don't eat dinner and then i feel sick and then i get crabby. i need to use those gift cards people gave me to buy such things. i need to decorate my desk. my DESK!! my desk at work is huge and has a whole bunch of little shelves and cubbies and i could do so many adorable things with it but whaaaaat should i put on there? thank goodness for northern belle diaries' pinterest board. i have A LOT TO DO. and it is reallllllly stressing me.
and on top of everything, i have been feeling really icky and sick lately, like nauseated for 70% of the day, and it has started to become very annoying. how am i supposed to be productive if i am moaning in pain and discomfort each night? so i just took a blood test and the nurse practitioner helped me with some of the symptoms, and i think i have figured it out. it seems i feel nauseous when i take my medicine and my iron supplement (i am severely anemic) together so i stopped that and that helped. i also need to remember to take my anti-acid in the morning otherwise...... nauseous. but stilll, it seems no matter what i do, i still feel nauseous after i eat, no matter what it is. i have come to the conclusion that a have a tiiiiiiiiiiny little bug and next week will be better??
don't even talk to me about the gym. when i lost 16 pounds, i was at the gym 6 days a week and was a total rockstar. since i have been married, i haven't been once. i have been feeling ill/overwhelmed/just-want-to-go-home-and-cuddle-with-my-husband to go. let's just not talk about. buuuuuuuut i will say that i have been KILLIN it in the eating department and have been eating really well. salads! sandwiches! oatmeal! magoes! raw veggies! oh my!!!
all of these things have kind of instituted this self loathing situation that has been a grey cloud above my head and in my heart and brain because i haven't been productive. i have to be the perfect wife!! i have to cook! the kitchen is a mess! i have to hang these pictures up! i have to decorate! and i want to do that, but i just started a real big job here and i am very stressed and tired and overwhelmed and....maybe i'm just making excuses?
all in all, you can understand why i feel like i am running around with my head cut off. i have a busy weekend this weekend too because i want to be with my family and be with my little babies. tomorrow, taran and i are taking my 3 year old nephew on a date to the space museum and then my sister is coming over to give me some things i left with her (i have been missing my boots! all this rain without my boots? ah!) and to see our new place. and i can't waaaaaait to see my sassy little Avery. that girl's got SPUNK.
so right now, i am just going to take a deep breath and say "it's okay. it's all okay. it will all get done." because who cares if the apartment is a mess and nothing is hung up? i'm going to go cuddle with my husband. being with my husband as much as possible is a priority and i'm not going to apologize for it. so i am going to slow it down. take a breath. take one task at a time. starting with my self esteem. the pictures will get hung. the pictures will get framed. food will be bought. food will be cooked. our apartment will be decorated. its alllllllll gonna be okay.
thanks for letting me ramble. i was having trouble sleeping and just needed to write. so thanks for listening.