Lot 48: to all the single ladies

December 21, 2014

to all the single ladies

this holiday season, i have been thinking (and crying for) all you single peeps out there.  
this time of year is very emotional for me, as an impending anniversary date that is not so jolly looms nearer.  given this impending date, (it will be 9 years!) i have been very emotional.  bursting into tears multiple times of day emotional.  

and given my emotional state and this horrible anniversary that is coming up, i have been counting my blessings carefully and thoughtfully, each and every one.  this is our first Christmas as a married couple.  and i hold that so dear.  i absolutely cannot WAIT for tuesday when my sweet and i drive to my hometown, to my house, were all my sisters and all my babies will gather and celebrate the gift of the Savior.  i can't wait to see the happy faces of my sweet babes as they get their presents and wait for Santa to come.  i think Eli is really starting to get it as he is the oldest and 4 1/2 (!!!) and i can't wait to see all their excitement!!

but that is beside the point.  i have been thinking A LOT about all my blessings, and the thing that i am most grateful for this year is my husband.  taran.  my love, my sweet, my husband, MY TARAN.  i don't know where i would be without him.  i didn't think it was possible to love anyone this much.  i said that when we got married, but i just fall even more in love with him as time progresses.  and as i think about him and how incredibly, insanely lucky i am to have him, i think of everyone single.  caroline, whit, katilda, whomever.  and it breaks my heart.

two years ago as i was driving home for Christmas, i cried pretty much the whole drive.  and it is a 4 1/2 hour drive.  i was so upset that i was alone, i was so convinced that i would never find someone, that i would never get married, that i would be alone forever.  i was so convinced that the pattern of dating for a few weeks and then it fizzling out was my fate.  i was so depressed, so unhappy.  i felt no one loved me.  i believed with all my heart that no one would ever love me.  i had a hard time believing that even my family loved me.  my self esteem was at such a low. 

a few months later i forced myself to pick myself up again and learn to be happily single.  a few months later, i started dating taran and the rest is history. 

so to all my single loves, all the single peeps who read this here blog, i want to tell you, i haven't forgotten what it feels like to alone, especially on the holidays.  i haven't forgotten what it feels like to believe that no one will ever love you.  i haven't forgotten any of that.  

and i want to tell you, that i am here for you.  i want to tell you that you have a God who loves you unconditionally and will never leave you, if you but ask.  i am here to tell you that once you are happily single, that is when your husband or wife or partner or significant other comes into your life.  that is when it happens.  i know this.  i believe this.  

it is so incredibly hard to be single this time of year.  i hated it year after year.  i remember taking family pictures, and everyone was married with kids but me, and the photographer, after she had taken pictures of all my sisters' families, she turned to me and said "so....um.... do you want a picture by yourself???" because what was she supposed to do?  i had no one but my parents.  my angel of a sister jessica said "i'll want to take pictures with her" because she knew how depressed i was that i was alone.  i can't even tell you how grateful i still am for that small act, and to this day, it brings me to tears.  i wasn't alone, i had my sister.

this time of year sucks for being single!! it's the worst!!! but you are not alone.   if you feel you are, you won't be alone forever.  my heart goes out to all of you who believe what i believed two years ago, my heart goes out to all of you.   don't take this as a pity post, i don't pity you.  my heart just goes out to you, that's all.  

and just know that there is someone out there who is thinking of you.  

merry christmas.

6 comments:

  1. This was both so sad and happy to read. I don't remember actually ever being genuinely depressed when I was single during the holidays, so I'm definitely grateful for that. I had a lot of family and friends that I spent time with, so I just surrounded myself with them to forget about being single. I'm so lucky to have Jon to spend all of the holidays with for the rest of my life now. This is our first Christmas living together, and I'm super excited about it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really love this. I'm not single but we've been dating 7 years... It can be tough to see everyone get engaged and welcome babies this time of year, even though I'm happy for them!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lauren, I absolutely love this post! I definitely have been in your shoes before. I've definitely been in the awkward "So do you want a picture by yourself?" situation before. It feels so nice to know someone else has been there, done that, and made it through the other side! Hope you and Taran have a blessed Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love this post, Lauren!

    I will never forget what it's like to be all alone during Christmas. I've spent way too many of them alone to ever forget how horrible it is. I hope this is the first of many holidays with my Chris, but if not, I know I'll be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are sweet for writing this Lauren (:

    ReplyDelete
  6. I stumbled upon this post in my absolute time of need. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    ReplyDelete

Hearing from you makes my day!!