Lot 48: i'm scared of everything

December 29, 2014

i'm scared of everything

recently, as i have been reflecting upon this year, i have realized that i have become one big wuss.

i am scared of everything.  taking risks, trying new things, people hurting me, the future, i could go on and on and on.  i feel timid and like i want to just crawl into a tiny little shell and stay there forever, where people can't hurt me.  where i can't hurt myself.

i'm scared of mostly people hurting me, and that includes me hurting myself.  i am not good at loving myself, being kind to myself.  i am not good at it at all.  i'm scared of getting sick, of having the flu (because the last time i had the flu it was one of the worst experiences of my life, no joke.  i felt like i was at death's door) of other things that shouldn't matter.

i used to be brave!! i used to be merida!  i used to fight and be tough and stand up tall and look fear in the face and scream at it "you don't get to win!! i get to say how i feel! i get to be in control of how i live!"  but now, i don't know, i have shrunk into a tiny, small person.

so as we ring in the new year, and as you know, i don't like resolutions, i just want to do one word: FEARLESS.  i want to be fearless.  not like taylor swift's album, but fearless of the people around me.  fearless of getting hurt, fearless of the future, just BRAVE.  that is who i want to be.  that is who i am dying to be.  i used to be like that but somehow along the way, i lost that.  and here i am, a shriveled up shell, scared to come out.  

but no more!! it is time be brave, to get out of my shell, to take care of me, to be kind to myself, to not be scared of myself and what harsh and cruel words i have to tell myself that day.  i challenge myself to wake up every morning and look me in the eye in the mirror and say "i am enough.  i am beautiful.  i am skinny (use self esteem problem for me) i am worthwhile, i am enough."   I AM ENOUGH.  i have to remember that, i have to remember to brave and fearless.  it is time for me to look fear in the face and own up to it, and tell it to go away.  it is my choice whether or not i want to be scared or fearless.

and i choose fearless. 

8 comments:

  1. I'm afraid of most of these things too. Sometimes, in order to be brave, I remember the quote "Being brave doesn't mean being fearless. It means being afraid and doing it anyway." It has helped many times. :)

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  2. I think this is so great, Lauren. I'm afraid of so many things too, but sometimes, we just have to suck it up and be brave. This is going to be a great year for you, I just know it!

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  3. What a great word! I actually used to be a giant wuss when I was little. My parents literally didn't have to use the baby gate because I was so afraid of the stairs! Just realizing that you want to be fearless is a great first step!

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  4. I can relate to so much of what you wrote, Lauren. I too feel like I am afraid of a lot of things. Fearless is a fantastic word.

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  5. I can definitely relate to what you have written here! You have great goals, and you will achieve them!

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  6. I think so many people can relate to you in this post!! Most of us are so fearful of the unknown!

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  7. Change is a big fear of mine and once we welcomed a child and moved from Ohio to Texas within 2 months of becoming parents, I was like "change? I'll take you on any day".
    Wishing you a year filled with brave decisions and the chance to be a little more YOU than ever before.

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  8. love this word! the older i get the more fearless i think i become. most of the time it seems like we are our own worst enemy. thanks for linking up!

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Hearing from you makes my day!!