Lot 48: c.s. lewis was a christian

October 6, 2014

c.s. lewis was a christian

i'm not gonna lie.  the last 3 months have been some of the hardest of my life.  with my disability leave and my massive amounts of health problems and then getting laid off, i feel like i have been beaten to a pulp and then kicked in a thrown in the gutter. 

i worked so hard on my disability leave.  i was so sick, so so so sick.  and i worked as hard as i possibly could to get better.  i am exhausted from how hard i worked on my disability leave.  

i was ready to go back to work.  i was looking forward to it, but at the same time, completely terrified.  there was doubt in my mind, wondering if i would be able to function, if i would be able to work, if i would be able to do it.  but for the most part, i felt ready.  and then one week before i was to come back to work, i was laid off.

i have always felt that God trusts me with more trials than i can bear.  that He thinks i am more capable than i actually am.  who decided that i was capable to handle all of this?!?!? i am drowning.  i am devastated.  i loved that job and i feel as though a good friend has died.  i LOVED that job and now it's gone.  it was taken from me.  

during times like these in my life, i always watch the chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe because these 4 kids have the same view about themselves as i do.  they think they are normal people, not heroes, when in fact, they are kings and queens.  they are capable of more than they think.  more than they believe, just like me.   it is well known that c.s. lewis was a Christian and all his narnia books have God like characters in them.  that is another reason why i watch this movie at times like these.

my favorite part in the movie is when aslan (who is a representation of Christ) forgives edmond for his betrayal and sacrifices himself for edmond.  that is exactly what God did for us.  on the cross, he sacrificed himself so we could give all our pain and worry and sorrows and mistakes to Him, and be forgiven.  

this scene when aslan is sacrificed is one of my favorites and it always makes me cry because it is such a beautiful depiction of Christ dying on the cross for us.  God died on the cross for me, for you.  my devastation comes in waves, and when i am swept up by a very strong current of sadness and confusion and terror that i lost my job, i can turn to my Heavenly Father and ask for comfort.  i can pray, and the Lord will save me.  because He died on the cross for me, he suffered for me, for this very reason.  to take my pain away.  to heal my broken heart and to heal all my many wounds. 

as awkward as this picture is, this is how i have felt everyday for the past 3 months.  i have been on the battlefield everyday, fighting to get better, fighting my body, fighting my mind.  i am in armor and have a sword and am killing my demons left and right.  

but somedays, i am tired.  i can't fight.  it's hard to fight every single day.  every day i have a choice: to lay down on the battlefield and say, "i give up.  i can't do this." or pull a peter and fight to the death.  i can count on one hand how many times i have laid down.  

it isn't fair.  it isn't fair that i lost my job.  it isn't fair that i worked SO HARD to be ready to come back to work, and then suddenly, there is no work to come back to.  i am susan, who when she gets to narnia and the beaver is explaining that she is part of a great prophecy to end the eternal winter, she responds "we aren't heroes.  we're from ----- (wherever they're from).  i don't believe that i am a hero.  i stumbled into this battle without asking for it, just like peter and lucy and edmond and susan did.  they didn't believe they were the ones who could end the winter.  i look at God every day and say "are you kidding me?!? what makes you think i can handle this?!?!" just like all the pevensie children said.  

but i am a firm believer that God does not give you what you cannot handle.  yes, God created an imperfect world, but when something bad happens, and He knows you can't handle it, He steps in.  like when i was 17 and was t-boned in a car accident, if the car had hit two more inches towards me, i would for sure be paralyzed.  He stepped in that day.  He has stepped in many times in my life.  and He has stepped aside many times in my life.  

i have six weeks to find a job, because my husband gets overtime for only 6 weeks and that, in addition to my unemployment checks, is what is keeping us afloat.  this scares me s***less but i have to take a deep breath and remind myself "the Lord will provide."  He has provided each time, He will provide again.  i have to have faith, i have to have hope.  which scares me to no end.  hope and faith sets you up for disappointment.  

i'm still trying to make sense of it.  i lost my job.  i lost my job.  they kicked me when i am down.  i lost my job i lost my job.  i kept looking at the date of october 8 with excitement and fear as that is when i was supposed to return to work.  and now, on wednesday, there will be no work to return to.  

my sadness is suffocating me.  i'm confused, i'm angry, i'm hurt.  so many bruises, so, so, so many bruises.  that is what fighting every day gives you.  but i will not give up.  susan didn't. peter didn't.  and i know it may seem silly to look at what some may call a children's movie for support, it isn't silly to me.  c.s. lewis was a christian.  God scarified for me.  He will take care of me.  i just have to have hope.

also, my poor husband works in a factory making medical devices and doesn't use his 7 year college degree at all.  yes, he is making medical devices, but he isn't inventing them, like that glossy biomedical engineer degree says he should.  he has been looking for a job for months and no luck.  he is a freaking biomedical engineer and is genius, and he stands at a hot oven making tips to put on the ends of catheters to reduce infection for 10+ hours a day to support us.  he isn't using his brilliant brain and at all.  so when you pray for me, pray for him too.  at least his life saving medical device that he invented will be on market soon because it was such a good and brilliant device. he has been working with a buyer for the past 6+ months to get it on the market.  he will be signing the contracts within a few weeks.  but we only get {REDACTED}% of the market earnings.

so, can anybody tell me how to make money off this here blog?? weave rejected me and i signed up for linqua or whatever it is and it said "we have nothing for you at this time." so how does this all work?? somebody tell me.


  1. I know you are at a frustrating and disheartening place in life right now, but as you mentioned you will be able to handle it. As scary as it seems you will go into this "battle" and you will find a job. As sad as it is to loose a job you love, to feel like it was stolen from you, maybe this is a chance to find a job you never even knew you would love more (:

  2. I love those movies, I always get chills when Aslan talks and I sob during the sacrificial scene. Sending you prayers and love. God will get your through it!!!

  3. I will be praying for you! I am also a strong believer that God will never give you more than you can handle, and even when it seems that you can't take anymore, you will live to see another day. It will all work out <3

  4. So I'm a believer that God sometimes gives us more than we can handle, but never more than HE can handle. But it sounds like you already know that.

    I'm rooting for you, Lauren. Things are going to turn around and a few months from now, this will seem like a bad dream.

  5. I am praying for you and your husband. I know God will open up a door for both of you to a new and awesome opportunity!


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