Lot 48: so this is how disability leave is going

September 18, 2014

so this is how disability leave is going

can we just have a nice complaining sesh? do you mind??? you don't have to read if you don't want to.  you can make your own choices in life. but i want to talk about disability leave.  it ain't a walk in the park, you know.

yes, i really, really hate physical therapy. fine, i'll tell you, one of the reasons why i am on disability leave is because of orthopedic issues.  i am in pain 80% of the day.  the 20% of the day when i am not in pain is when my really, really strong pain meds are working.  and they have just the funnest (not a word) side effects.  but when i go to physical therapy, i always leave hurting more than when i walked in.  i try to explain, but it is really hard to explain and fix.  so i have decided to take a break from exercising and doing my pt exercises and going to pt until october.  and we will see how that goes.

you know that i got a new mattress.  i really think that will help my pain.  it is a really, really good bed.  it is a dream.

i am so sick of being tired all the time.  i sleep roughly 15 hours  a day.  to some of you, that sounds awesome.  and it kind of does sound awesome.  but it kind of isn't.  my pain meds make me soooooo sleepy and no matter how much dr pepper i drink, i can't keep my eyes open and i fall asleep.  usually at like 5 or 6 pm.  and then when i wake up, i am still so tired i want to go to bed.  so then i go to bed at 930 and wake up a 5 because i am in pain and fall asleep again until 11.  and there are things i want to do with my day, but with all the sleeping i am doing, it is hard to get everything done.

i am really paranoid about people thinking i am just chillin and watching tv while on my disability leave.  and that it is easy and whatever. it's not.  do you have any idea what it is like to be in this much pain so much every single day??? it is hard work.  i am not allowed to sit.  i am not allowed to lie on my back.  i cry every day.  

i am nauseated 30% of my day.  all the pills, its a lot of pills. so then i don't want to eat.  and then i feel nauseated.  i have to force myself to eat 2 meals a day.  and when i wake up at 5 am like i mentioned, i am ALWAYS nauseated, and when i go to bed, i am always nauseated.

i read a lot.  i read A TON.  because when people ask me what i am doing with my time, i don't want to say that i am spending it watching tv.  i want to say an answer that makes them think i am working  hard so i can say "i read a lot and i have dr appointments every day.  literally every day."

i am really nervous about going back to work.  i have 3 weeks left until i go back and i am really nervous.  what if i won't be ready in 3 weeks? it is a hard adjustment from sleeping 15 hours a day to working a normal work day.  and sitting. oh the sitting.  how the sitting hurts.  

wow.  just writing this whole thing out is making me really sad.  but you know what?? my husband tells me this all the time and i have started to repeat it a lot.   I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN.  i can get through this.  this is by far one of the hardest times of my life, but i can do it.  it is so strange how we have more strength in ourselves than we realize.  i can't tell you how many times i have had to dig down into a place i didn't know existed to get through a day.  

but don't get me wrong.  i'm a mess.  and i don't know how well i am handling this.  i don't think i am handling this very well.  but i just take it one day at a time because that is all i can do.  

i just want to be a normal person with a normal life.  who isn't so freaking sick.  being this sick is really, really hard. and it ain't no joke.  it is stupid and there are a lot of emotions that i feel every day.  a lot of emotions.  and they go up and down and all over the place and it is all a lot to handle.

i just want to be a normal, healthy person.

prayers appreciated.  thanks for your love and support.  i love this blogging community.


  1. I bet your return to work will go better than you think. And prayers are going out to you.

  2. Aw hun! I'm definitely sending tons of prayers your way. I can't imagine being in so much pain and having to find a way to fight through it. Thinking of you!

  3. I'm so sorry you're in pain every day. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I'll be thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes I have!

  4. Sending prayers and hugs your way!! XOXOXO

  5. I'm so sorry you are hurting but your husband is right, you are a warrior and you will make it through it!

  6. oh man, I can't even imagine how awful that is =( I hope you start feeling better soon and get some kind of relief soon

  7. Goodness, girl! Rooting for you! Sending prayers.

    ~Ashley @ A Cute Angle

  8. I love ya, Lauren. I know it's been hard for you, but I also know you're going to be okay.


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