Lot 48: i have something to tell you

August 22, 2014

i have something to tell you


well my dears.  it is time for me to confess something.  i thought long and hard about telling you this, but like this time, i need support again.

i am on disability leave from work for 8 weeks.  this was my first week. 

i don't want to get into what is going on with me because there is a line on what i will share with total strangers, and this is so personal and private that i am not going to tell you exactly what is going on.  

but what i will say is that what is going on right now is one of the hardest times of my life.  i have sooooo many issues, and i originally thought  that i would be able to be on disability for 3 weeks,  but my doctors all agreed that i should be gone for 8 weeks.  

it is all very scary and daunting.  and hard. so very hard and difficult.  i wrote yesterday about how i love my job, and most of that contributes to the fact that i work for a company where i have the option for disability.  i have never worked for a company where that has been an option before.  i would just get fired if it was any other company.

but i am also angry.  i am angry that this is happening in the honeymoon phase of my marriage.  i am angry that this is happening and it is something beyond my control.  i am angry that i need help.  i am angry that i have to deal with this giant of a monster.  

but i am so blessed.  i have so many amazing health care professionals that were FOR SURE sent to me from God to help me.  i have amazing family and friends that are helping me through this impossible time.  i am so overwhelmed by the love and support everyone has shown me.  

i am grateful for my Heavenly Father, who loves me and comforts me.  who knows what i need, who knows me and carries me when i am so emotionally strained that i can't walk.  i am grateful for my amazing husband who supports me and is doing everything he can to help.  just being in his arms makes everything better. 

there is always light at the end of the darkest tunnel, even if you can't see it.  i can barely see the light.  it is just a tiny dot, far off in the distance.  but it is there.  

i avoided going on disability for as long as i could, but it got to a point where i couldn't run from myself and from my problems anymore.  the curse of being human is going through trials like this.  or is it a blessing?  depends on who you ask.  

i am sure once i am out of the tunnel and standing in light once again, that i will say that it isn't a curse, but a blessing to be human, because trials help you grow and turn you into someone you always wanted to be but never imagined you could be.  

with the risk of being dramatic, i have two choices right now:  i could lay down on the battlefield, throw my hands up in  the air and call it quits, admitting defeat.  or i could fight. fight hard and fight to death to heal and grow and get better.  

i choose the latter.  because i want to live a happy, healthy life.  this disability leave has already been hard work.  i am very emotionally tired.  i don't have much time to relax, it has all been very, very hard work.  

but i know this is what needs to happen.  i know i need to be off work for 8 weeks.  that causes me to feel lots of feelings.  lots of overwhelming feelings that are all over the place. 

but i believe that i will prevail.  that i will come out the other side.  that i will get better.  i believe in the plan God has for me, i believe in the healing powers of medicine, i believe in myself.  i believe that this is the best thing for me.  

so prayers/good thoughts/smoke signals/whatever is your jam would be appreciated.  

stick with me.   

work, see you in two months.

11 comments:

  1. Praying for you girl!!!!
    "I love you, Lord my strength." Psalm 18:1

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear this - but I'm so glad you have support from work, friends, and family. Know you have support here in blogland too! Wishing you well. xox

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  3. So sorry that you're going through something rough!!! I'll be thinking about you and I hope you get better soon! :)

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  4. I hope you get better soon. You will be in my thoughts. I know it may be hard sometimes, but try to keep being brave and looking towards that light at the end of the tunnel :) Everything will work out!

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  5. I'm here for you, every step of the way.

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through a rough time but I am glad you are taking the time you need to fight and get better. My prayers and thoughts are with you! Email me anytime if I can be of any support!

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  7. Oh, Lauren- I'm so sorry. Lots of prayers and love (and support!) coming your way, lady. I think God is going to show you just how strong you are in this time... as well as to remind you just how strong HE is. He is victorious and you are His beloved, don't you forget it. It's so hard when we can't see more than a foot in front of us but you are being carefully guided, you are. XO.

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  8. I'm sorry to hear about your health problems but I am happy to hear that you are choosing to fight rather than give up. Just take care of yourself and heal so you that you don't have to take even more time off work!

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  9. My thoughts are with you... this sounds absolutely terrible! You seem like such a strong girl, I have faith you will get to the other side of this. <3

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this, honey... Though I'm glad to hear that it seems like there are options to really help the problem? I know how terribly overwhelming this kind of thing can be and the not knowing and all the tests and seeing doctors... I know. You'll get through this, and just like me, you've got God and your amazing husband to help you through it. Praying for you, honey. <3

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  11. I'm so sorry for whatever is going on. I hope your time off gives you the time you need. I'll be thinking about you and hope for the best for you.

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Hearing from you makes my day!!