Lot 48: there are cows in my house

April 17, 2014

there are cows in my house


i toyed with talking about this. but i think i need support. i kind of feel stupid even writing about this. people have it so much worse than me. but whatever.

there was a children's book that we had in our house growing up called "it could always be worse".  it was a story about a jewish family who lived in a very tiny straw house back in  the olden days.  they had a farm with chickens, cows, goats, etc.  the family had, like 8 kids or something and they lived in this tiny little house all together.  needless to say, they were all driving each other crazy, being in such close quarters.  the dad went to his rabbi and asked what he should do. the rabbi said "put your cows in your house." the dad did and went back to the rabbi again to ask what he should do. the rabbi said "put the chickens in your house." and then later "put the goats in your house." after a few weeks, the rabbi told the dad to slowly take all the livestock out.  once the animals were out of the house, the whole family was nicer to each other, more grateful for their life and their attitude had changed.  there was so much room in their tiny house now! after seeing how much worse their life could be, they appreciated how good they had it. yes, their house was crowded, but at least there were no animals in it!

there are cows in my house. its been a very awful week.  i started having serious, serious, serious pain behind my ribs with serious nausea. no pepto bismol, advil or any other medication i could think to take helped. by monday night, the pain and nausea got too much for me and i had a break down. on tuesday, i called my doctor and he was concerned about my gallbladder because the pain was on the right side behind my ribs. they couldn't get me into an imaging center for an ultrasound, so my doctor told me to go to the ER.  so to the ER i went.

i was really scared and i really didn't want to go by myself. but i didn't want to ask the husband to leave work and i didn't want to ask my sisters to find someone to watch their kids so they could come with me. so i went alone.  by the grace of God (literally.) my husband was able to come to the hospital with me.
they did so many tests. there was lot of tears on my part. when they finally gave me pain medicine, the tech happened to come in to give me my chest x-ray. she asked me my name and  i didn't know if she had my maiden name or married name because my bracelet said my maiden name but i had just made my name change legal and had just gotten my new license with my new married name. i was trying to explain this and was having a lot of trouble talking and was saying all sorts of things and it was really frustrating that i couldn't form the words i needed to say so then i just looked at my husband to have him explain and then i just started crying. it was so embarrassing.  they did so many tests and four hours later, they didn't know what was wrong with me, my test results were normal and i was still in pain. so they sent me home, frustrated.

today i have been really trying to not take the pain meds they gave me. i want to go back to work, i want to feel better and how am i supposed to feel if i am feeling better if i am drugged? so i have been suffering through it. i am trying to trick myself into feeling better. i keep saying to myself "hey, its been like 2 hours since you wanted to die from this pain." and then when the pain comes, i think "well, maybe i just need to do this... or this..." and i just try to do something else to fix it. i haven't eaten a meal since monday afternoon.  all i have had are crackers and gatorade to keep my hydrated.  and apples. i am so sick of apples. and i really miss eating. but eating just hurts.

maybe the cows are already gone. because i know it could be much worse. i could have had to have surgery, or stay in the hospital for days, my husband could have not been able to be with me. it could have been a lot worse. i am very blessed. i am very lucky.  its allllll going to be okay. i will get better. its going to be okay. i have my business trip in 10  days so i HAVE to get better. and i will! i will prevail!
prayers would be appreciated. or good thoughts or whatever is your jam.

2 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, I really hope they figure out what's causing the pain, or that you get better from whatever it is.
    And just to let you know - you're not crazy for wanting to talk about the problems you're having, even if someone else has it worse. It's about perspective, and it doesn't lessen your pain just because someone somewhere is starving.
    I hope you feel better soon!
    <3 Kiersten

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    Replies
    1. thank you kiersten that is so nice! it is about perspective, isn't it? everybody's problems matter, no matter how small they may seem.

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