Lot 48: July 2012

July 22, 2012

Missing L.A.

Los Angeles is the love of my life.  True story.  I dream about that city all the time.  I think about that city all the time.  I fantasize about it all the time.  I have never felt so at home in a city before so quickly.  In fact, I have never felt so at home in a city before.
I miss passing Hollywood Blvd, Universal Studios, and the Hollywood Bowl on my way to work.  I miss the sunshine.  I miss the warm weather.  I really don't like the cold.  I miss working at a production company and being involved in the most exciting industry in the world.  I miss reading scripts all day and giving my opinions on them.  I miss driving around LA trying to find a director's house to deliver a script.  I even miss running silly errands for the executives.
I miss driving to my boss' house to pick him up for work because he would be too hungover to drive.  I miss pretending to go the kitchen to get a snack when famous people came into work for meetings just so I could see them in person.  I miss my apartment and the trees that filled the complex.  Everything was so exciting there.  Never a dull moment.
I miss my friends and my ward.  I miss things happening to me everyday that made for a good story.  I miss being inspired.  It's hard not to be inspired when you live there.  Everyday I got a new idea for a TV show or story line or movie.
But it's not the right time to move back.  Every time I think about it, I get a really bad feeling.  It's just not right, it's not the right time.  But oh how I miss that place.  My friends probably get annoyed because I talk about it so much.  I should probably stop talking about it so much in order to keep my friends.
But I'll move back someday.  When the time is right.  Until then I will just keep writing and trying to improve as a writer.
I do know that I can never visit.  Because if I visit, that means I will have to leave, and I cannot handle leaving that city ever again.  Leaving the first time was hard enough.  I'm not going to do that again.
What's your city that you love the most?

Boredom is a bad word

I hate this word.  I don't like to speak of it.  I don't like to hear of it.  And mostly, I hate to admit that I get (bleeep) sometimes.  Don't we all though?  I think most of us do.
As excited as I am to be done with school in two weeks, I am a little nervous about what I will do with my spare time.  I don't want to struggle with the adjustment from school to work life.  I don't want to dread going home at the end of a work day because I am afraid what I will do with myself.  I really don't want that to happen.  So here is what I think.
You can always beat boredom.  All you do is have to choose to fight it.  There is always something exciting to do.  You can read a new book, or build a fort, or write a story, or draw a picture, or paint your toenails, or write a blog post, or go to the park and read a book for a change of scenery, the list goes on and on.  When I get bored, I clean, groom myself, write something, learn, make something.  There is always more to learn in my field.  I can always find something new to learn about web development or design.
Or you can take up a new hobby!  I think I would like to crochet.  I would like to make cute little things for my niecephews and see them snuggle with a blanket that I made as they grow up.
Boredom can always be beaten.  The good thing about me is that I am a writer, and therefore will never be bored because I can always write!  And I should be writing!  Sometimes it is hard to think of stories to write, but I don't believe in writer's block so I just force myself to think of something.  It always works.  I also have a list of ideas on my phone for stories that come to me randomly.  There are a lot of stories and scripts and TV shows that I want to write, and I am sure the list will never end as I will think of more and more things to write about!
Whenever I get nervous about free time when school ends, I just tell myself, the world is now my oyster. I will be able to do whatever I want.  I won't constantly be thinking about homework or grades or frustration with things I don't understand. I won't have this annoying cloud hanging above my head that says "Bachelor's Degree" on it.  In two weeks, I am going to take a big needle and pop that cloud and all the papers and assignments I have down in the past four and a half years will rain down and then the cloud will float away.  It will be so nice.
Something else I hate and never speak of is loneliness.  I always look at people in TV shows, like on "Friends" or "Seinfeld" and I think "are you people never by yourselves?"  It is hard to only have the company of yourself.  I am sure you all feel that way, even though some of you are lucky enough to have mastered that skill of being okay with being alone.   I just am really grateful for my roommates.  We hang out together a lot and I am really grateful for their company and how fun they are and their ability to make me laugh.  I love my roommates.
We should never expect to have glistening social lives in a way that our phone never stops ringing and our days and nights are filled with a variety of friends, who we go out and do fantastically fun and cheap things where we share many laughs and stories while wearing perfectly in fashion outfits with our hair done so perfectly that we don't even have any flyaways.  It is okay to not have plans.  It is okay to not have your phone ring for a week.  It is okay to wish you did have plans.  It is okay to RedBox three nights in a row.  Just don't feel bad about yourself or sorry for yourself for it.  You always have the ability to change your attitude.  I do think that we should all try to be social and go out and meet people and call people, but we don't need to do that every single day.  And we don't need to feel bad about not doing that every single day. If you want to be out on the town but aren't because all your friends are busy, go out by yourself!  It's okay! It's better than being home when you don't want to be!
The moral of the story is, don't feel sorry for yourself because you don't have plans.  Don't feel bad about yourself because your phone doesn't ring.  Don't feel like a failure if you aren't busy constantly.  You can't always change your situation, but you can always change your attitude.

July 5, 2012

The Final Stretch

I have less than a month left of school in my undergraduate college career. And I. cannot. wait.  This summer has been pretty rough with working full time and taking a full course load of four classes.  Especially since it is summer and all I want to do is play and I love my roommates and all I want to do when I get home if hang out with them, but instead all I do when I get home is homework.  This summer I have been feeling like I have no time for anything.  In addition, I am so incredibly sick of school.  I really love the University of Utah and I have fully enjoyed my college experience, but I am so ready to be done.  This summer has been dragging and feels like it has been taking forever and all I want is summer to end because that means school will be over and I will be graduated.  
I was in my friend's room the other day and saw her diploma on her nightstand.  I became green with envy. Why don't I have this yet?  Why am I still in school?  I am so frustrated.  It will have taken me four and a half years to get a bachelor's degree.  I feel kind of embarrassed that it took me an extra semester, but I switched majors after my freshman year so I guess it makes sense.  
I have this one class that is absolute hell.  It is by far the hardest class I have ever taken in my college career. I worry about passing this class constantly, every time I do the homework I get so frustrated and impatient because I don't understand the material and the quizzes are twice as hard as the material.  The most frustrating thing is that I am doing everything I can to pass this class, and I am still failing it.  I meet with my professor, I talk with a girl in my class, I read the material repeatedly, I call my siblings for help, I do everything I can and I am still failing this class.  In my freshman year, I took an economics class that was nearly as hard as this one.  The first test, I got a 66%.  So then, I studied 15 hours a week for that class.  15 hours a week and when the next test came, I got the exact same score.  I'm not stupid, but my brain is not built for math or science.  It's just not.  I'm a creative person, I'm not a thinker, I'm not an analyzer, I'm just not.  I just don't think I have the mental capacity to understand the material in this class.  My work took the whole company to see Spiderman the other day, and every time they started talking about science or math, I literally got a panicky feeling in my chest and felt stressed.  That is just my reaction to anything involving math or science.
So I have one month to raise my grade 4% in order to pass.  Send good thoughts my way.  I have a test for it tomorrow and studying for it is the least fun I have ever had and I hate every second that I spend studying. I am so close to getting that piece of paper that says I have a bachelors of arts in mass communications.  So close.  I just want to fast forward to August 3 when I will be done!
And since you are probably wondering what class this is that is causing me so much grief, it is Philosophy 2050 - Reasoning and Rational Decision Making.  There is a surprisingly large amount of math involved. It is death.  I would rather go hiking and eat cheese than take this class.  And I don't like hiking (small hikes are okay, and if I am with super fun people) and I hate cheese, so you can understand how much I despise this class if I would rather do that.