Lot 48

August 11, 2018

weekend pressure

*i do have a point to get to in this post so please bear with me as i struggle to find it. this is a post about self love.*

i hate summer. that's probably unpopular to say but i do, i hate it. its too hot. not a fan of the heat which doesn't make a lot of sense because i live in southern california. i'm a screenwriter and have to live in hollywood so i don't really have a choice. the rest of the year the weather is great!

us at the movies last week, the spy who dumped me, a must see! 
i see so many beautiful, outgoing and fun bloggers do weekend recaps on their blogs each week.  they have gone shopping, they have done fun activities with their friends, kids, husbands, parents, and i envy them.  and i feel an enormous pressure to be like them.  

 i feel its a social norm to be outside a lot in the summer because the "weather is beautiful" and you can go play and swim and such.  in the winter, it feel like its "acceptable" to hibernate in your house and not go out that much but stay in in the cold months. 

so many people love and adore summer because they get to go out and have so much fun with friends.  i'm the opposite. i go out a lot when in the winter and i like to stay in the summer.  when its so hot, i don't like to go out. the heat makes me irritable, very irritable; just ask taran.  i love to go out in the cold.  even when i lived in salt lake city for 8 years and it snowed i loved to go out when it snowed. 

 this is not a weather post, sorry, i have a point! my point! my point is this!  in the summer, i feel like a loser, lazy and very boring if i don't have a weekend recap to post or if i stay in on the weekends.  i don't like feeling pressure from other people, i don't like feeling bad about myself and i don't like trying to be someone i'm not.

 for instance, this week i went to six flags with a friend. it was so hot it wasnt’t even fun. seriously it was so hot i was moving like a slug and things didn’t get better until we purposely got soaked on a water ride. things just aren’t as fun in the summer.

 now i am in no way saying that the women who fill their weekends with fun things are responsible for my self esteem issue in this area or are anything but wonderful.  like i said, they are fun, energetic women, a lot of them whom i've met.  i wish i was like them.  i envy them.  i'm not saying anything bad about their weekend routines.  i wish i had their weekend routines.

 but the heat sucks.  and fall (don't get me started on fall! oh how i love you!) and winter are better.  i'm trying to make an effort to love myself, every inch of me.  that includes how i want to spend my weekend. 

 i heard a phrase recently that i love: "i am what i am."  and i am somebody who isn't going to have her weekend packed of fun each week.  and its okay to not like summer.  its okay to be me. 

August 8, 2018

If we were on a coffee date...

i wouldn’t be drinking coffee...

hahaha a lot of bloggers do coffee date posts and as i mentioned in my last post, i want to do more fun posts and thought a nice chat with you would be a great way to start this new chapter. 

so how about a "currently" post? i like those too.

feeling... anxious.  about a lot of things.  there are a lot of things that i am anxious about that i don't want to get in to.  mostly when things are going so terribly wrong i withdraw from everyone and not talk about the things that are troubling me.  that is what's happening now.  but i will say its a storm.   a giant storm has hit with lots and lots of things going very wrong. i have to have faith things will resolve themselves or i will make them resolve themselves.

loving... monk.  its summer so there isn't a lot of tv to watch and i have been looking for a new show to binge.  i had only seen a few episodes and stumbled upon it on amazon prime.  i am in love with it.  it is so well done and is helping me with my writing as monk is such a well developed perfectly constructed character.  its inspiring.  he's adorable and i love his innocence.  something that bothers me very much about the show is how inconsiderate the show is about monk's OCD.  that's a mental illness and they treat it very flippantly.  other characters call him a freak and it makes me very angry.  i'm going to write an entire post about this but if this show was done now, i don't think they would be able to get away with that.

disliking.... summer.  i hate summer.  i always have. even when i was in school and everyone else was so excited to have the time off, i hated it.  summer had no structure and i only thrive on structure.  during the summer i still had my dance but i wasn't doing it 40 hours a week like i was during the school year.  its so freaking hot and i haven't been able to find a good pool to go to and you can only go to the beach so many times and at the beach sand gets in very uncomfortable places if you know what i mean.  and part of what has been so terrible lately is our a/c broke and they replaced it with incompetent one and yada yada and its a whole thing and i hate summer! 
growing up in the desert where it would get to be 117 in august, my house was always 65 degrees because my mom despised being hot at all.  i never  realized until now how lucky i was.  i don't have that luxury now with a tiny wall unit.  i am literally counting down the days until summer ends.

reading..... the seven husbands of evelyn hugo.  i finished this a few weeks ago and haven't gotten around to blogging about it yet because i have been trying to read more and was hoping i could do one of those posts where i review like 4 books at once.  but that isn't going to happen. 

evelyn hugo is a movie star icon throughout the 50s and 60s.  she chooses a journalist, monique, to write her autobiography before she dies.  evelyn takes her through her life and her loves, successes and heart breaks.  and what kind of book would it be unless monique changed and became a stronger, better person because of evelyn. 

SPOILER ALERT: this book was very heavy on gay rights and lesbian love.  it was really eye opening for me as i haven't really heard stories of how difficult it was to live as a gay person in a world where that was so unacceptable the danger of getting arrested was very plausible.  my favorite line from the book was "it was like the world took a tax on my happiness. in order to live my life, the world took half of my happiness."  they had to take such drastic measures to be themselves and love who they wanted to love.  it is really heartbreaking.  and although my beliefs don't align with the beliefs of those in this book, i am so glad i read it as i was educated on the cruelty involved in these people just trying to live their lives. 

i'm also reading a new model: what confience, beauty and power really look likei am obsessed with ashley graham and am loving her book.  she is the BOSS.  i am so freaking sick of being told i have to look a certain way and i am in love with ashley's attitude on how you should feel about yourself no matter what anybody says and no matter what you look like. 

learning.... a lot of code.  i am trying to teach myself enough code that i can launch my own web design business.  i really want to do it but i don't know enough to do it.  

wanting... more pictures of the royals.  more pictures of kate! more pictures of meghan!  you know it took me a while to warm up to meghan but now i just love her.  i want to see lots of pictures of her every day.  can i be a princess too?  k thanks.

August 6, 2018

i miss blogging

the other day my sister asked me if i had a good picture of all us sisters. so naturally i went to my blog and looked through my archives and went through old posts until i found one.

while i did this i saw all kinds of really fun posts i had written. like “jobs i would hate” “my anti bucket list" “what i’d do with a million dollars” posts like that. those are fun! now it seems like all posts are sponsored and posts are not just chatting with random strangers. i miss that part of blogging.

i’ve read several bloggers talk about this issue and that they miss those fun posts too but they are too busy running their blog business to write those fun posts.

truthfully, i’ve had really bad writer’s block lately. i know, i have said i don’t belive in writer’s block. with my pilot i wrote the last quarter of my UCLA program, i am having MAJOR trouble with it. it is everything i want to say as a human and i am having an impossible time getting my point across. i’m stalled and its making me stalled in all my writing, blog writing included.

so enough!! i have a lot of drafts in my queue so lets all just combine them and throw them all in.
i have been applying to a lot of jobs on several shows and other jobs outside the industry too haven’t really gotten any nibbles and i’m having a lot of trouble believing in myself. that a show would pick little old me to work on their show, to believe things to change, to believe that things will get better because they aren’t so great right now.

believing in yourself is really really scary. but i really do try to be brave. but how can i be the bravest person i know and not not believe in myself when that in itself its scary? see what im saying?

moving on..

what’s your favorite smell? i think its the smell of rain. i love the rain. it kinda sucks when youre in it but when you’re in bed with your warm socks on with a good show or a good book and you can smell it through the window its 👌.

i think also my favorite smell is my mom’s perfume or taran’s musk 😉

what is the best day of your life? this day, about a month ago. we went to the beach and it was hot and the water was cool and the book i was reading was so good and the voices i could hear around me were so soothing. and after i got a massage and it was the BEST day.

these are the fun posts i want to get back to writing! i don’t have a huge following and never get the campaigns i apply to anyway (believe in yourself!) so i have no excuse but to write fun posts like this like its 2014.

July 23, 2018

the crown exhibit

on saturday we finally went to the crown exhibit at the paley center for media.  it closes on sunday and i had been dying to go for weeks! it did was incredible, although i wish there were costumes on display.

this is the Queen's ambassador ball gown.  there was SO much detail.  you can't see it in the picture but there was this beautiful embroidery that looked like it was stamped throughout the dress in gold thread.  i got so close to each of the costumes to see each minute detail.  there was so much detail it was amazing.  

like who are these men on her gown?  maybe her father and grandfather?

and what does this broach mean? 

something that really surprised me was they mostly displayed costumes from dear mrs. kennedy episode.  they displayed a lot of costumes that the actress who played jackie kennedy wore. 

this is the dress the Queen wore when she had dinner with the kennedys.

this is what the Queen wore when she and jackie met one on one later in the episode.

and this is what jackie wore later in the episode.  they had a  video playing with the costume designer talking and said that jackie was a "breath of fresh air" in the palace regarding the way she was dressed. american tailoring v english tailoring in the 60s was very different. 

i have this little video i made meaning i just put two videos i recorded together. (so difficult!) the end of it shows the detail on jackie kennedys dress from the dinner and the beginning shows mostly margaret's outfits and tony's suit.  but what i thought was interesting was the cape on the back of jackie's dress isn't the exact same color as the front of the dress but on tv it looks the same.  

this is margaret's dress she wears in that portrait she is forced to take that she hates. and then tony takes one of  her later where she looks naked.  i just loved looking at these up close and looking at all the detail.  have i said that enough yet? 

heart emoji.  i could write an entire essay on how their relationship was portrayed. 

this is the cocktail dress margaret wore when she went to the party where she met tony. i'm sorry its blurry, i took it from the video from above.

this is when she went on that motorcycle ride with tony. remember? she went outside the palace and she was waiting for her?  i wish i had gotten a better look but see the obvious difference between how the Queen and margaret dress.  look at the bodice margaret is wearing.  it is sheer above her bra area.  how scandalous!  costumes always fascinate me.  especially when they are done correctly. the show was nominated for an emmy their first season but not this season. they should have been!

it was such a fun experience seeing these costumes up close.  just another reason why i am so in love with LA! i get to do cool things like this!

July 8, 2018

goals for the summer

last weekend we went to the beach. LA had a MAJOR heat wave last week and it was pure misery. the worst part was we had our apartment sprayed for bugs on friday, which was the hottest day, and they turned off the air conditioning. i walked in and my apartment was probably 100 degrees. it was miserable.

saturday we went to beach, along with everyone else in the city. i try to avoid the really popular beaches to avoid the crowds but my favorite beacb, will rodgers beach near santa monica, was packed.

it was unbearably hot and the waves were big. we got near the water and a huge wave came, splashing us on our legs all the up to our arms. i like the ocean as long as i can control how much water gets on me. once big waves hit, im out. taran stayed in the ocean and dunked his head while i went back to my comfy beach chair.

i was sitting there with a towel on me, a lava lava on my head blocking the sun and sunglasses on my face. i had a very good book. there were families and college kids and all kinds of people around. i felt the cool water of the ocean on my skin. i heard voices from people nearby. i felt the sun on my skin, happy to know it was darkening my pale pale skin. my husband was next to me, laying on his towlel listening to an audio book. i heard the waves crashing. in that moment, i had everything i needed. it was such a beautiful moment i wanted to bottle it up. i thought to myself “this is pure bliss.” i adjusted my chair and my body so i was laying on my stomach. my magic beach chair has a hole where my face goes and arm holes so i can read while lying on my stomach. it was pure bliss.

even thinking of that moment now, nearly a week later, my body relaxes and its like im right back there. i think years later, i will look back on that moment and remember it as one of the happiest and best moments of my life.

i had a slow start to summer. i am not a fan of summer and am in denial for as long as possible that summer actually happens until about july when i know i cant ignore it anymore.

im in the middle of reading a book. i never have time to read!! this summer i want to read more. i want to read fun fiction novels and also books about writing and the business, books that will advance
my career.

the costumes of the crown are on display at the paley center until july 29 and i have yet to go. MUST go.

see a movie at the hollywood cemetary. an iconic LA thing to do that i have not done.

go to the beach several more times and try out a few i havent been to.

finish my pilot for heaven’s sake!! this should be #1!

go to a networking event for writers or people in the biz.

go to six flags as much as possible

counting down the days until fall!! its my very favorite!!